You May Not Want To Read This because it will seem like im being a childish sensitive spoilt fucked up brat who only laments about how fucked up her life relationship ties and problems are.
Yes i just cried my eyes heart lungs out.
Why? Because i feel that i am a worthless stupid retard who fails in everything.
PS: No sarcasm/pun intended to ANYONE reading this.
Anyway, Hi there person ... #
I have known you for a long time. Around 4 years i guess.
I have to admit it was a fun time being in class w you as you teach/taught me science and math.
I gotta admit you were also always there and trying to cheer me up whenever i was upset over anything and ranted over in Twitter/Facebook or anywhere else.
For these, thank you so much.
I know youve always been kind of a friend to me but there are still things that i never intend to tell anyone nor you and so many things that i really dont like letting others know.
I know you dont really support the idea of me being in a r/s while im just a student.
Along w you, so does my parents and my teachers. Maybe some might not mind while some do.
To whoever reading this, yes, my r/s have been approved by both my parents and his parents.
A joyous affair? You may think so.
It is indeed joyous however there are price to pay. Fights occurred w/in my family and his.
It was a painful journey and after much talks, considerations and all, they finally agreed.
Yupp, we painstakingly got together.
Of course, the world is unfair.
Every little mistake i do, every change in me, every drop in my studies, every word i say, people judge.
im not saying its wrong to judge or implying that their judgement was wrong.
Yes, i may have changed by MY own accord.
However, not all things links to Him HIm and HIM only.
He can help me in my studies. i know, he know, we (me and my friends) all know.
So really, I BEG you and everyone else out there, its not that i have a r/s therefore my studies suffer.
I really beg to differ.
My mum just commented that You, even given your academic qualifications, deter from r/s.
I remember things clearly that of your r/s life...
Frankly, i really think that no matter how close one is w me, they will never understand truly how i feel.
I hate it when i have to cry in front of my parents and th worst part is they will never understand because the things they went/is going through is so much more stressful than what i am going through now but please do bear in mind that i am still new to this stress. In fact, we all are.
Mum said you almost cried in front of her. And you know what...?
Im a human too. Not as if i dont cry?
I wouldnt have just disappeared into my room the minute lesson ended instead of laughing and joking around like we always do.
I know you put in alot of effort trying to teach a dumb bumpkin here.
I know you said you feel happy when i ask questions; no matter how dumb they were or how brainless.
I know you wouldnt judge me...i hope..
But when i ask, i get scolded.
Yes i am sensitive. i kinda retreat when i sense a hint of anger / irritation.
Remember what i first told you when you offered to help?
"You will need a truckload of patience and understanding."
The only person whom i ever met who really have this is Mrs Seck (salutes)
Although she left us arubtly for personal reasons.
Again, i want to state that i am not saying that i am forever 100% right.
Yes, you comment that i seem to only work when you give me work.
True. Ive been trying to juggle my work and all recently esp w th upcoming of my o level coursework due date thus i have not been working on it.
Previously im also in this pattern of not working independently.
This, i will try to change.
&, to clear your doubts,
I DO TEST MYSELF ON SUBJECTS/TOPICS BY DOING WORK.
Wonder why you have never seen it before? Its because i show it to my teachers in school thus i see no need in showing it to you again.
I mean, i have had gotten my teacher to see through already havent i.
I heard that you feel stressful teaching me and that among your students, i am the only one who did not improve nor sustain but instead i deproved.
Im really sorry for the great disappointment i inflicted on you and the gigantic amount of stress i put on your shoulder.
By all means, if you feel like giving up on me, you can. I shant hold you from such unhappiness. Why should i anyway.
I guess all along youve been really good at making us not detecting any unhappiness from you.
The bad part was that Mum gave me a lecture that i have to reflect on myself and that r/s is really not good for me.
Really, it was her who said i could be in one if the talk went smoothly yet all the time it seems to me that she is just trying to find something, a hole or something to shove her knife in and break the 'deal' apart.
Yes i just cried my eyes heart lungs out.
Why? Because i feel that i am a worthless stupid retard who fails in everything.
PS: No sarcasm/pun intended to ANYONE reading this.
Anyway, Hi there person ... #
I have known you for a long time. Around 4 years i guess.
I have to admit it was a fun time being in class w you as you teach/taught me science and math.
I gotta admit you were also always there and trying to cheer me up whenever i was upset over anything and ranted over in Twitter/Facebook or anywhere else.
For these, thank you so much.
I know youve always been kind of a friend to me but there are still things that i never intend to tell anyone nor you and so many things that i really dont like letting others know.
I know you dont really support the idea of me being in a r/s while im just a student.
Along w you, so does my parents and my teachers. Maybe some might not mind while some do.
To whoever reading this, yes, my r/s have been approved by both my parents and his parents.
A joyous affair? You may think so.
It is indeed joyous however there are price to pay. Fights occurred w/in my family and his.
It was a painful journey and after much talks, considerations and all, they finally agreed.
Yupp, we painstakingly got together.
Of course, the world is unfair.
Every little mistake i do, every change in me, every drop in my studies, every word i say, people judge.
im not saying its wrong to judge or implying that their judgement was wrong.
Yes, i may have changed by MY own accord.
However, not all things links to Him HIm and HIM only.
He can help me in my studies. i know, he know, we (me and my friends) all know.
So really, I BEG you and everyone else out there, its not that i have a r/s therefore my studies suffer.
I really beg to differ.
My mum just commented that You, even given your academic qualifications, deter from r/s.
I remember things clearly that of your r/s life...
Frankly, i really think that no matter how close one is w me, they will never understand truly how i feel.
I hate it when i have to cry in front of my parents and th worst part is they will never understand because the things they went/is going through is so much more stressful than what i am going through now but please do bear in mind that i am still new to this stress. In fact, we all are.
Mum said you almost cried in front of her. And you know what...?
Im a human too. Not as if i dont cry?
I wouldnt have just disappeared into my room the minute lesson ended instead of laughing and joking around like we always do.
I know you put in alot of effort trying to teach a dumb bumpkin here.
I know you said you feel happy when i ask questions; no matter how dumb they were or how brainless.
I know you wouldnt judge me...i hope..
But when i ask, i get scolded.
Yes i am sensitive. i kinda retreat when i sense a hint of anger / irritation.
Remember what i first told you when you offered to help?
"You will need a truckload of patience and understanding."
The only person whom i ever met who really have this is Mrs Seck (salutes)
Although she left us arubtly for personal reasons.
Again, i want to state that i am not saying that i am forever 100% right.
Yes, you comment that i seem to only work when you give me work.
True. Ive been trying to juggle my work and all recently esp w th upcoming of my o level coursework due date thus i have not been working on it.
Previously im also in this pattern of not working independently.
This, i will try to change.
&, to clear your doubts,
I DO TEST MYSELF ON SUBJECTS/TOPICS BY DOING WORK.
Wonder why you have never seen it before? Its because i show it to my teachers in school thus i see no need in showing it to you again.
I mean, i have had gotten my teacher to see through already havent i.
I heard that you feel stressful teaching me and that among your students, i am the only one who did not improve nor sustain but instead i deproved.
Im really sorry for the great disappointment i inflicted on you and the gigantic amount of stress i put on your shoulder.
By all means, if you feel like giving up on me, you can. I shant hold you from such unhappiness. Why should i anyway.
I guess all along youve been really good at making us not detecting any unhappiness from you.
The bad part was that Mum gave me a lecture that i have to reflect on myself and that r/s is really not good for me.
Really, it was her who said i could be in one if the talk went smoothly yet all the time it seems to me that she is just trying to find something, a hole or something to shove her knife in and break the 'deal' apart.
Comparing me w you, w my longest known friend and everyone else who shone academically. As if I have never put in any damn effort at all
Ok mum? I suck ok. I dont study I dont put in effort I get into a r/s I dont ask enough qns during tuition I cant get into poly im an unfilial daughter
And best of all maybe mum's 'curse' that my bf will do well, go to uni and abandon me might come true.
Im a good for nothing alright.
As if I never reflect upon myself as if I dont cry as if I dont study as if I dont give a damn about my studies
As if im a fucking robot.
Sometimes im 'there' sometimes im not.
Its really because im just exhausted. Not physically but mentally.
Juggling all the work together.
You may say that im what im doing is just nothing compared to yours.
I cant agree more but again, im still new to this. Do you feel busy when you were doing your O's?
What w all the tests projects homeworks scoldings lectures exams?
Confession:
You are not a bad teacher. Im saying this from my heart.
Im also trying here. Maybe not quite enough.
I cant help it but feel that im just super retarded w my studies even though i know farely well i shouldnt push the blame to my intelligence level.
I dont even know if you will see this post or not. But anyway,
I know today, our r/s have soured...maybe w/o you knowing.
Because i cant help but still feel a little resentful. Not to you solely of course.
Maybe in future i will look back in time and appreciate all those you have done.
Im at a sudden loss of words now -____-
I hope i wont regret putting up this post.
I just merely wanted to relay how i feel to you...Despite knowing that you are in a bad mood today.
I know in this society i can never just escape unscath w/o being judged/compared.
Competition is tough and everyone struggles for survival.
I know the importance of my studies.
But asking me to give up on something that i fought really hard for is really out of the qns.
Stubborn, headstrong you all may say.
But im definitely not letting go unless something really bad happens.
I will continue working hard for my studies.
. . . . . . Yes, at a loss of words again.
Maybe just remaining a tutor-student r/s would be fine.
I guess i just lost another person today hahahaha...
Sorry its such a long and wordy post.
If youve read it word for word, thank you for your patience and youre amazing (':
PS: Thank you all who showed concern for me (':
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